The Quality of Pain

I drove my fist into the brick wall. I couldn't even feel it. Not the throbbing of broken fingers, not the broken skin, not the broken heart, and not the sting of self-reproach. I turned and walked away. I could hear her calling me back, calling me first softly, then louder until I turned the corner of the road. It was all for the best. I looked down at my hand. Blood caressed my knuckles, licking the edge of my sleeve. I looked away. Nothing, it seemed, was going to hurt ever again.

Questions

Why?

Questions

Tounges running around teeth

Click

An answer?

Probably not.

We'll see

Would You

If I died tomorrow

Would you go

Through my room

See the paper, pens

Mugs, photos,

Wires, boxes

Towels, buttons

And would they hurt

The pencils, socks,

Hangers, dirty shirt

That I had since forgotten ?

If I died tomorrow

Would you cancel all my plans,

All my post it notes

Reminders, memos

Of things I'll never go to

Scattered

Piercing yellow

A paper trail of hopes

Tracing bursting shelves

Would you pull them off

To crumple?

If I died tomorrow

Would you read through all my things

Read my notepads, diaries

Emails, poems

Stories now.

Myths and legend

You understand.

If I died tomorrow

Would you discover

Who I am?

Old Love

Streaked across the skies

In beats of love

Against the black night

Forever darkened

Playing dead... ?

He had gone. But still I lay there. I didn't move until I heard the truck screeching out of our driveway. His driveway. "Dinner at six". He said. I stood up, dizzy, sick. My cheek stinging, my thighs sticky. I felt dirty. Stumbling to the cracked sink, I washed the blood off my face. Purple flowers had begun swelling up on my arms. The delicate ribbons criss-crossing my arms in broken hieroglyphics. Moving was a bad idea, immediately I felt faint and leaned heavily against the wall. Today I wanted to leave him more than ever. But I couldn't leave. He didn't know about the affair, he didn't know I was pregnant and he didn't know I was using him. So instead of leaving him like my body and mind was screaming to do I started preparing dinner.

Murder

If I wanted to murder someone I would shoot them. I would point the gun at their heart and pull back the trigger. Pull back from sanity, from morality, from the edge. I should aim for the head, after all that is conventional. However it wouldn't be their head I want to blow away, it would be their heart. Then I would walk away. Being caught would not be the primary situation to avoid. Staying of prison would not be the main target. The main target will already have been completed. The primary situation past jurisdiction.

Two sides please Mr Hyde

'Mr Hyde I know you have problems

Let's talk

Said my shrink

You can't hide

Mr Hyde

For the rest of your life'

So I lay on the couch

And I told him

Most of it

That I have two sides

Not one, but two

And of them's me

And the other is too

Then my shrink said

'Yes but who will you chose ?'

One of my sides is easier to be; one of my sides is easier to show

And just for show

My soul is cooked, steam baked

Stewed

Beaten, stolen, broken

Used

Who am I? uttered

Without a clue

'You are both a difficult patient

Schizophrenic

Narcissistic

Academic

Why don't you tell me?'

But I don't know

I'm just me

iWork

Worked hard

Slept hard

Thought hard

Broke often

Wanted change

Made change

Talked, ate

Laughed

Made promises

Kept secrets

Broke trusts

Stole pieces

Hearts that is

Coughed up

Made up

Stored up

Forgiven

Hidden thoughts

Became open thoughts

Locked doors

Left open

Worked again

Hard

Too hard

Too short

Not enough

Made plans

Changed plans

Luck held

And broke

Loved again

Straightened kill

To feel again

Lost again

Apathetic still

Frankenstein's Wife Inspired by Carol Ann Duffy's The World's wife

I made the tea

Brewed as usual by

That pot with the crack

He never got it fixed

Not that it matters

I don't drink tea

Not that he knows that

So I made his tea

Went to take it down

To his lair

All the way down the cellar stairs

To the cellar

And as usual

Light bulbs flashed

I Waited for them to flicker

Like watching the kettle boil

Like waiting for his call

Like him waiting for his dinner

When I entered his

Room

Just a room

He said oh you've brought my tea

That's right my dear

And I noticed an unfamiliar man

Sitting in my old chair again

The monster.

He wasn't happy with just me

He needed the monster

The creature

His creation

I didn't fit his ideals

I wasn't controllable

Intolerable

Show off-able

Degradable

He was looking at it

Telling it to love him

And I should of said

Just because you expect

Someone to love you

Doesn't mean someone

Will love you

A few months later

I began the affair

We met after hours

I fixed up my hair

The creature

Although my husbands creation

Was not my husband

And eventually

Just as the creature

Killed his ex wife:

Elizabeth

And was shunned

I killed the creature's ex wife:

None other than

My husband