Cold waking up
start to hurry
Can't think straight
far too much worry
Drag bag to work
to sit still and study
No time to face hurt
in heart stuck
in chest cavity
Lie down curled up
nighttime
Alone with thoughts
shut eye
Dream dreams of
times gone by
Wonder what you
look like sleeping
Wonder what now
your dreaming
Then wake up
cold again
Time to work
no end
To the loneliness
of the weekend
Then the your voice
on the other end
A laugh comes
and I'm home again.

Change

What do you say when there's nothing to say

Short little laugh after long gloomy day

Trapped inside somewhere I don't want to stay

But then that's just a joke

A quirk, a little, how to explain this

A bit of poetic empathy, sympathy

Not quite living the dream self professed pity

Small written ditty, just as witty, yet...

Fuck all really.

Can't argue with that, can't argue with yourself

Not with reality

Good times are meal times

Real times, basic needs satisfied, rectified, qualified

Something to do, say, discuss...

Before the deary continuem continues

And then nothing, just the normal life

In the normal way, until something, something changes.

I'm still learning

I'm still learning to hurt people

To misunderstand people

To get drunk fast, and say bad things

To get things wrong

To fall fast and deep

I'm still learning to love

Even now that I've learnt it

To hold someone's heart

And know that I've hurt it

I'm still learning to heal

And heal others pain

And I'll never stop learning

And I'll learn things again

Colour creeps, I burn

Hot seeps up from aching cheeks

Shivering chill, I heard

Your voice

Curling around my joints

Crippling hard, harder

I was wrong.

The heat hurt more.

She sits outside, a scarf wrapped round, a barrier

Writing, what is she typing ? Out on the balcony

In the fresh sea air, she faces away, her expression hidden

A sigh, her ribcage moves up, but then she stirs, stands up

And comes inside. Maybe it just got cold.

No Comment

Fuck it

I thought about doing all these things, and life and stuff

But fuck it

I mean, it doesn't really matter anyway

If you care about anyone else too much

You forget about yourself. You forget what the whole point is

The point is not to do everything, but

To do nothing, and then do it really well

Fuck doing everything, all the time

Fuck saying what people want to hear

Fuck living up to your own expectations

And fuck saying fuck, because it's only a word, one tiny word

So fuck saying fuck

And just stop

Stop worrying about working when your not working

Stop going to bed early just because your bored

And fuck having to move all the time, why can't we just stay still in one place

What's wrong with staring at the wall

Fuck everyone else if they want to be boring, they can

They can live how they want, but I won't join them

Being good is good, being bad is bad

And fuck being bad, I'm a good person

I care a lot, screw being judged

We're all starting to be dead inside anyway

Why have we found the word sad

When it should just be human

Everyone is sad

So the answer to life? No Comment

Last Night

Last night I dreamt I was falling through the sea

Down and down, slowly dropping -

- And at first it was softly soothing

Gently cruising. Until I fell

Sharply, next to a looming wreck

Boasting blossoming sails in bloom

Billowing in the murky darkness

Till I was surrounded; by the creeping shadows

Trying to escape upwards, I was engulfed

Sails wetly floating overhead

I clawed through back to open sky

To lie; flat on my back

Aligned, between two flat planes

Of sky and water

But it was lurking underneath

Always watching, waiting

So you wake up

Screaming, really screaming

Clutching for a strangers sympathetic hand

To stop you falling back down, and down

Slowly dropping -

Pricked Lids

My mind won't let me sleep again

It's whispering doubts and voicing pains seductively

showing me productively, things I've failed

to process well, that I don't need, don't need

to have thrown across my windowsill and block

out street from sharpened gaze

I know already, it's telling me, forsaking me

I put it there, most carefully, decided and deliberate;

shelved cautiously

I don't need my mind to run it over, run it past me

run it round me

now I'm crushed beneath it, holding up my skull

and brain above me,

my mind won't let me sleep again,

and the situation won't mistake

my plans, to sleep in dreamless sleep again, will never

now engage my lids, will never drop them down and down

as whisperings of insecurities prick my lids back to

extremities of things said and done, associated with

experience. That won't quit, won't drive away

even though I tucked it up there high and asked

it nicely, please to stay, and not to

burn it's way back down, to trouble what little

dreamless sleep I dared protect, blissfully, unaware

controllingly, that such sleep was meant

to soothe and love me.

And instead it does abuse and hurt me

Cynical Manipulation

I've reprogrammed the right ventral tegmental area of your brain

I hope you don't mind, but I thought that your neurones needed fine tuning

I didn't discern you noticing as I did it, you appeared apathetic, although you were sweating

But I figured ADH levels in your nephrons would soon sort that out

When I spoke it was long, diappearing sentances, like how do you think that I like that you think?

And would you say that which I had said you would say?

Until you were confused to the point where I could just about say anything, anything

And I did, I reprogrammed your brain to become quickly addicted

Soaring towards a fearfully close mindset, manipulating your heart rate to also soar

I could hear your atrioventricular valves closing, and your arteries dilating to regulate the blood pressure that was now rising

And your brain told you that I was the answer to your body's disobedience, that to control externally your internal dilemmas

You needed my touch on your sensory neurones

Breathing

I can’t breathe

I can’t fucking breathe

I’m swallowing the back of my throat

Over and over

So scared of losing what I cannot keep

Rocking into the dark

She is so beautiful, and I want to hold her.

But I can’t even say my own name

I can’t even say who I am

I’m inevitably going to lose

The only person who can